A Daughter’s Fear: Breaking the Cycle of Financial Burden

by Nneoma Ifeanyi-Ossai

I read Christy Rutherford’s book, Trauma Default and her insights touched me. Here’s what I learned from this power- packed book that was right on time - even if it was hard to hear.

Some highly successful people who are leaders in executive positions have no idea how great they are. They thought success would make them feel different, yet regardless of their position, salary, and how many degrees they had, they felt stuck. They didn’t feel successful.

Regardless of their level of success, they were unhappy and felt guilty about it.

‘’When people face challenges in relationships or at work and cannot seem to get ahead, they are solving the wrong problem.’’ - Christy Rutherford, Retention & Burnout Expert.

When therapists spoke with such people, they found that the 15 or so problems they face in adulthood are often traced back to one or two significant events from childhood.

The root cause?

Their Trauma Default.

A Story of Generational Weight

I grew up watching my mother carry the weight of an entire household on her shoulders. She was the backbone, the provider, the warrior who never had the privilege to rest. My father was a dreamer, he tried, again and again, to build businesses, but nothing ever worked. One failure led to another, and even as he never stopped trying, nothing still worked. The burden fell on my mother, who worked endlessly to ensure that we, her seven children never lacked the essentials.

I admired her, but deep down, I felt the pain she never spoke about. She was exhausted, and yet she had no choice. The sight of her coming home late, drenched in fatigue, and still managing to care for us is etched into my memory.

I told myself that my life would be different. I swore I would not carry that same load. But life has a way of circling back to you in the most unexpected ways.

Now, I am married. And just like my father, my husband has not been lucky with jobs. One opportunity after another slips through his fingers, and I find myself in the same position my mother was in. I am the provider. I am the one making sure my family eats, that bills are paid, that my children have what they need. And with each passing day, the fear grows stronger:

Will my husband ever be financially stable? Will I have to do this alone for the rest of my life?

I love him. I do. But I also see a reflection of my mother in myself, and it terrifies me. It is as if I was unknowingly programmed for this role - the strong one, the one who must endure.

This is my Trauma Default.

Understanding Trauma Default

Definition: Trauma Default is the setting people revert to when they are under pressure, stressed out, or forced to take a risk.

It’s the voice in your head that gets louder and reminds you of past failures, rejections, and disappointments. It shapes your choices, even the ones you don’t realize you are making.

My mother’s struggle became my subconscious template for life. I watched her survive, and now, I am surviving too. I work tirelessly because I want to be highly successful and again, I feel I have no other option. The pattern repeats itself.

But what if there’s another way? For now, I do not know but I am optimistic things will change for better soon.

What’s on the Other Side?

• Channel Pain Into Fuel: Successful people learn to turn pain into motivation. I can take the exhaustion and fear I feel and use it to create financial security, not just through survival, but through smart, intentional decisions.

• Replace Pain with Passion: I work hard because I have to. But what if I found a way to work toward something I truly love? Passion can replace the burden.

• Come as You Are: Healing doesn’t require perfection. I don’t need to have all the answers today, I just need to be open to breaking the cycle.

• Be Where You Are Celebrated, Not Just Tolerated: If I continue to bear everything alone, am I enabling this pattern? It’s time to surround myself with people and environments that uplift me. Do the same if you find yourself in a similar situation too.

• Seek Professional Help: Healing happens faster with guidance. Therapy can help me rewire the way I see myself and my role in my family.

Conclusion: Rewriting My Story

When there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do no harm.

Everything starts with me. I can cleanse myself from the inside—for my sake, and for my family’s sake.

I have to conquer that voice that tells me I will always have to carry this weight alone. The one that says I am bound to repeat my mother’s story.

I can break the cycle.

And so can you.

Meditate. Speak affirmations over yourself. Engage in self-care. Seek help.

Your Trauma Default is not your destiny. You have the power to choose differently.

And today, I choose to believe in something better.